Parenting and Child Psychology in the Gita
“Child is the father of man” – this quote from Wordsworth reveals a great truth taught by modern psychologists and even Arjuna in Bhagavad Gita Chapter 1. What is that? That our experiences from childhood directly influence our behaviour and values as an adult. So if you have a happy and healthy childhood, you are much more likely to have a healthy mind with dharmic values as an adult. Conversely, if you have a disturbed childhood – this can directly lead to painful psychological issues and as an adult. Often we are not even aware of these issues as they are hidden in our sub-conscious mind, but they do manifest in our behaviour and insecurities.
A ‘healthy’ childhood directly contributes to a healthy mind in an adult. And all these adults and children make up families. And all these families make up the society. So to have a Dharmic society (i.e. a society which values culture/spirituality and truth more than money/sense pleasure), we need Dharmic families, Dharmic people. And to have Dharmic people, we require to be raised with Dharmic childhood values. And to be raised with Dharmic childhood values – what do we need? Dharmic parents!
Why? Because a child learns all its values from its parents. When a child is born, it does not have any value structure. The child’s mind (buddhi) is not developed enough to have the capacity to judge things for itself. The child does not understand what is right and wrong. It does not know what is good and bad. It does not know what to do or what to not do. What to say or not – if the mother calls some fellow an “idiot”, the child will also call him an “idiot”. If the father argues all the time, the child will argue all the time. Children simply ‘copy and paste’ behaviour and values. The child learns these values via non-verbal communication, because the child’s intellect (buddhi) is too immature to comprehend and learn things intellectually. Hence it’s all non-verbal learning through copying.
Which values do a child learn? 2 types: (1) Value for different things in the world; (2) Value for its own self. So a child learns both 1 & 2 from its parents. Even 2 – a value for its own self – it learns from the parents. How so? The child does not know if it is an acceptable child, or a rejected child. It has no Self-opinion as it is too little to have a concept about itself. Hence, the child’s self-opinion will be based on the parents opinion of the child. This is particularly true between the ages of 0 to 5 years when the child is forming its thinking about itself. It forms a sub-conscious self-opinion and the child is not even aware this is happening as it occurs naturally. This is why it is critical for parents to treat their children with a lot of love and attention, being sensitive to how they behave in front of the child, especially between the ages of 0 to 5 years. Therefore – rajavat panchavarshini – The great philosopher Bhatr Hari says treat your child like a king up to the age of 5 years. Mother and father must be on their best behaviour, not arguing in front of kids and following bad habits. Even a mother and father contradicting each other in front of a young child can create a lot of unhealthy confusion and pain in the child’s mind. The child does not know whether to follow mum or dad, as both are like God in his/her eyes. Hence if you are going to disagree – do not do this in front of children. Rather parents should encourage their children, praise them when very young, show them affection…and in this way the child will develop a very beautiful self-image. Their self-opinion up to the age of 5 years will be very healthy and this will give them a lot of confidence to achieve whatever they wish to in life. Whether it be academic, career, or even spiritual accomplishments – we all need self-confidence (called ‘Atma-kripa’). Most importantly, self-confidence is key in achieving Moksha (Gita 6.5. – Lift yourself up by yourself) in the sense that if you do not really believe you can achieve liberation, then you won’t get it. And the root of self-confidence is sub-consciously formed from a healthy childhood with loving parents. Remember though, that self-confidence does not mean arrogance.
So out of the mother and father, who is more important to a child? Arjuna (Gita 1.41) gives us the answer – the mother of course! Mother always ranks highest for a baby. Then father. Not to say father is unimportant for a child. Naturally a father is very important, but a mother is the closest. Even simple biology reveals this fact given that we are intimately biologically connected with our mother in her womb. Not father. And after birth, the child naturally seeks its mother first. Therefore the role of mother is very important in influencing a child’s thoughts and raising a dharmic adult. If mother’s do not value culture and spirituality, then their children will not either. Hence the fabric of society depends on mothers, fathers and a stable family environment.
Arjuna in chapter 1 says that if families are broken (due to him fighting a war and killing many fathers of families in battle), it will lead to children being brought up in broken homes, and those children not having dharmic values due to the absence of a stable family environment, then they as adults won’t follow dharma and the entire society becomes adharmic. Hence the importance of a stable families for a dharmic society.
Om Tat Sat
Aditya
