Aditya, Tuesday, December 15, 2015 4:43 pm

Detachment & Coping with the loss of someone loved

Sri Krishna mentions 2 beautiful values in the Bhagavad Gita 13.9:

  1. Mental Detachment (Asakti)

This is a value for mental detachment. Detachment from what? Any external object, situation or person. This is very similar to what we already saw in verse 8 – 'Indriyartheshu Vairgyam' or detachment of the sense organs. The difference is – one is at a mental level (Sama), the other at a physical sense organ level (Dama). To detach a physical sense organ from its object of addiction is relatively easy – the tongue is addicted to coffee – so what to do? Don't go into Starbucks/Costa Coffee shops! You can physically create distance between your organ (tongue) and the object of addiction (coffee). Fine, easy. BUT there's a problem here – even if you do this, you may still crave the coffee, think of coffee, dream of coffee. So physical distance doesn't necessarily solve your craving. Why? Because craving is mental, not physical. So this mental addiction needs to be addressed. Gita 3.6 speaks of this. This is the hard bit. So how to detach the mind from the object of addiction? Educate the mind. Educate it about why the addiction is harmful. This knowledge, when assimilated, will free the mind from the addiction as it genuinely gains clarity about the issue. This is called Viveka or wisdom.

Detachment born from Viveka is the value spoken of by Krishna here as 'Asakti'. Once this mental detachment has arrived, you are free to go anywhere – even if you are in Starbucks Costa Coffee Shop – it doesn't matter anymore – the temptation at a mental level has gone ! This mental detachment is the highest stage we must aspire for. But initially we must keep our distance from addictive objects to help us gain this.

  1. Abscence of excessive attachment (Anabhishvangah putra-dara-grhadisu)

Excessive attachment towards whom? Putra – Children, Dara – Spouse, Grha – House, Adi – etc (close friends, pets, etc). This list indicates anyone/thing I spend a lot of time with in my life. I am intensely connected with these few things more than others. Krishna, the teacher of Gita, here accepts that attachment to these people are inevitable and unavoidable. No problem. So what is Krishna saying in this value? Krishna is NOT saying "avoid attachment". This is not possible. Krishna IS saying "avoid EXCESSIVE attachment". So a little bit of attachment is OK, but too much is not good.

But what is the difference between "attachment" and "excessive attachment"? Good question. A great teacher and Gita Scholar (Ananda Giri) brilliantly explains the answer: (1) Attachment = Mama-kara. My-ness. I claim someone close to me as 'mine'. This implies the person is different from me, but they are 'mine'. So even if the person/thing goes (e.g. someone close to you dies), you feel upset and sad, however you acknowledge that your life journey will still continue without that person. (2) Excessive Attachment = Tadatmyam (Oneness of identity). I totally identify myself with that person. I see no difference between that person and myself.

Therefore – when they get hurt, I feel hurt. When they die, I effectively die – I feel life has no meaning without them. I become depressed, feel empty, perhaps even suicidal. This indicates over-attachment. Excessive attachment. Why ? Because the truth is our lives DO have meaning individually, irrespective of whether others are there or not. We are all born with a our own spiritual purpose – to spiritually evolve and travel along our life journey towards Moksha. We can of course enjoy the presence of close loved ones on that journey – just like a railway journey. You get on a train, someone else gets on a train. You make friends, have fun, enjoy each others company. Then your friend gets off at his destination and you get off at yours. Perfect ! We needn't get over-attached and depressed if we bear in mind our lives are all like a railway journey each with our own destination. But we still enjoy the ride and the company of others whilst they are there ! This is wisdom/viveka of the Gita.

Om Tat Sat.

Recent Blogs